wait, what?
04:42 AM on July 22, 2009 in AmeriCorps NCCC
I think it just hit me that I have less than two days left in NCCC.
I can't believe it's almost over. Even though I have been so ready to leave for months, this has become so much a part of my life that I've still been putzing around, keeping weird hours, and not feeling that separation at all. There is so much I need to do tomorrow!!
Transition week has been a few hours of outprocessing and meetings sprinkled in a mindless slog of room inspections and packing. That's all I really have to say about that. Going to Utah with Dani was though, as she said, the perfect ribbon to tie off this whole year. I think it was my first legit roadtrip, with our own little rental car and all, and it was a success. It has been a shame to have spent our year serving the Southwest region and have had little opportunity to properly enjoy the natural beauty here, aside from seeing the Rockies beyond the dining hall windows.
I will say this: thank god for being young, and being able to pack a week's worth of sightseeing into 1.5 days. We started driving Friday night and arrived in Moab, Utah around midnight. On the way, we were totally distracted by all the stars we could see
through the windows, so we pulled into a sketchy truck resting area and
got out to look at them. I can say this with little exaggeration---
there were more stars than night. The Milky Way arched from one horizon
to the other, like a glittering white band. I have never seen it as
more than a cloudy smudge before. We ended up sleeping in our car at a La Quinta parking lot to wait for the park to open in the morning. At 6am, we sat up, cleaned ourselves off at a gas station restroom and made our way to Arches National Park. We spent the entire day hiking and seeing most of the arches before blearily laying out at our campsite watching the stars.
It was amazing. My favorite part was when we stopped to rest by the Tapestry Arches. We could see them across a deep dried river bed and I suddenly knew that I had to try to get to the other side. So while Dani rested, I began crawling across, going off the main path, and finally made it up there. The whole day I had been moving far slower than Dani and getting tired of trailing behind. It was liberating to go at my own pace and do this awesome thing.
I am excited for the shock of leaving here. I know there's no way to anticipate it exactly and I am looking forward to that sudden realization, and whatever clarity may result from that blessed distance.
6 days
05:04 PM on July 17, 2009 in AmeriCorps NCCC
Transition week is unpleasant. Six more days until I am an AmeriCorps alumnus. Tonight, Dani and I are hopping in a car and roadtripping to Utah to camp at the Arches for the weekend!
Round 4 Reflection
06:08 PM on June 30, 2009 in AmeriCorps NCCC
On the boardwalk again. More posts need to be set into the ground; time to blearily blast ourselves with bug spray, load the auger onto the cart, and haul heavy boards down the trail one by one. Any idle moment is an opportunity to lean against something and close our eyes. None of us are fully awake; we haven't been all week.
Like everyone else, I barely notice what my hands are doing; in my mind, I am already home in a small townhouse in New York, lost in dreams of my grown-up life beyond AmeriCorps. A rotted trail lies beyond the deck we just laid out. When I pull at a black moss-coated board, it falls apart in my grasp.
I know that I will never look at a boardwalk, or any seemingly simple wooden construction, the same way again. A seamless join of two boards at an angle is a sign of mastery; a bent, hammered nail might belie a good-hearted amateur slaving away in the sun, too tired to dig it out and try again. I will also perceive the necessary wreckage, how someone had to take apart the previous structure to begin anew. It was dark, dirty work loading up the debris of the old boardwalk, and even as we tore it apart, new life was breeding in the cracks of each board.
I think what I gained the most from this round was an appreciation for that process of destruction and rebirth. This round was not easy. For most of it, I did not feel like myself, still do not, and found myself questioning my worth, capabilities, and even simple judgment. I have never felt more like a stranger in my life, unable to feel safe with anyone and constantly wary of making the wrong assumptions. I can't understand why I have been through so much in my life and yet still allow myself to feel so small. It is a challenge to step outside your comfort zone, and while everyone encourages you to try it, no one knows what to do with you when you end up falling short. Even though I am tempted to view this round as a personal failure, if I look at the work I have done in the past two months, I can see that it was part of the process. To build a stronger foundation, you need to break everything down, and start fresh.
I spent the last four years in relative comfort, flourishing in a supportive community of passionate individuals who shared many of the same ideals as me. I had close friendships with people whose minds hummed along similar wavelengths and enjoyed working with people with similar interests and goals. I built up a lot of things during my time at Wesleyan, including a sense of identity that was based on the friendships I had made, the specific passions I had pursued, the confidence from standing tall in my little world, and a strong need to help others. With this altruism in mind, I decided to join AmeriCorps and see what else there was to me.
I was not prepared for how deeply losing Wesleyan would affect me. What I thought was a natural extension of my time at Wesleyan--- another community of young idealistic people--- turned out to be a quick unraveling of the comforts I had taken for granted there. I lost my support system and couldn't figure out how to translate my strengths into this experience--- my optimism became naiveté, patience into slowness, exuberance into ditziness, passions into quirks, and introversion into shyness. It was so difficult for me to connect to others. Beyond that, I greatly value open communication, asking questions when something is unclear or unfair, and working together to find solutions. In my AmeriCorps experience, to be brutally honest, a lot of that has been tamped down in the name of positive thinking, flexibility, homogeneity, and respect for authority.
This year, and primarily this round, has been a challenge for me to uphold my values, find and use my voice with a not always receptive audience, and be at peace with the new identity I am forming. I have discovered, very clearly, that it is impossible to please everyone and I would respect myself more if I speak up for myself and not tolerate passive aggression and unkindness in anyone, even those I admire. I have discovered that I can hide my feelings very well and slip easily into being quiet and agreeable, rather than brave being honest and seeking support. I have discovered how I am weak in many ways and I have not miraculously cleared all my faults in a tidy ten month period to become a golden Corps Member, but that's okay.
To everything, there is a season. I heard this passage years ago, but I think I know what it means now. There are the times when you feel like you are your best, truest self, and everything is shining with purpose and meaning. And there are times when you have to take a step back, see what needs to be done, and be extra kind to yourself and others. This round, if I haven't made it clear already, is one of the latter.
I would say that I am better at forgiving myself, but it's not really about forgiveness. Everyone has their own process. And I respect that, just as I am trying to respect and love my own process, potholes and all. I never want to be so hard on myself and fixed on where I and everyone else should be that I can't see how hard everyone is trying to grow in their own way, whatever season they may be in.
partly cloudy
02:00 PM on June 20, 2009 in AmeriCorps NCCC
Well, the storm has passed. Our team leader called a meeting, where we basically hashed out most of the tension on them team and I got to say my piece. I had written a thing up, some notes on what I wanted to communicate to the group about needing to support each other and stay positive, but what came out instead was an admission of my own difficulty seeking support when I need it and how hard this round has been for me. I did not expect my eyes to begin watering, or to see my teammates nodding with me in empathy. We have a lot of problems as a team, but the meeting diffused the immediate danger of boiling over, so life is hot and tolerable again in Moundville.
About three weeks left in the round, and eleven days until I hop on a train to New Orleans to visit my friend John for a few days. My body is sore and exhausted from working outside in 98 degree weather all week. Bruises and mosquito bites everywhere. I think I am getting stronger, even though I feel so tired.
Today, the road to our house was blocked off by a sudden mass of cars by the neighbor's house. Turns out that they were having a family reunion, and their great-grandparents used to live in the house we're staying at. We let them come in, and they walked around reverently, staring at everything and taking pictures. The whole family, about twenty something people at least, piled into the add-on room turned craft workshop for a local artist and talked about how so-and-so's bed used to be here and they used to come in and listen to grandpa and watch the new television set. I appreciate the house so much more now. One thing I love about the south is how important family is here, and the ties run far and deep. When Mike and I canvassed local streets to invite people to come to our day of service, we met a 72 year old who was riding around a tractor with his little grandson. He said he'd been in Moundville his whole life and that his whole family was here. I wish our team could absorb the laid-back warmth of this town more. We definitely need it for this last round.
night thought
02:56 PM on June 1, 2009 in Creative Writing
夜思
郑丽
我家在我心，
即使我远仚。
举头望未来，
低头思故乡。
------------------------
ye si
zheng li
wo jia zai wo xin,
ji shi wo yuan xiang.
ju tou wang wei lai,
di tou si gu xiang.
------------------------
Night Thought
Zheng Li (my Chinese name)
my home is in my heart
even if I fly far
raising my head, I see the future
lowering my head, I think of my old home
This is part of a secret gift for my parents before I leave for Seattle next year. Good thing they aren't savvy enough yet to find my blog.
Tuscaloosa (in the style of Ogden Nash)
02:06 PM on June 1, 2009 in Creative Writing
There was a girl from Tuscaloosa
who met a guy from U of Woosta
He ran up a tree
to try and break free
but declared, there's no way I can loosa!
and while I'm at it:
A simmer's lament
I guess I'll sip some tea
or go crawl up a tree
since I cannot play Sims 3
It comes out tomorrow. I'm leaving tonight. And I didn't bring my computer to Alabama anyway. :(
Moundville, Alabama
02:03 PM on June 1, 2009 in Creative Writing
overnight, as if placed
by prehistoric landscapers
a humble henge
of churches and bars
emerged from the earth
why are they here?
not even Wikipedia
has any clue
we do know that
it was a chiefdom
some people lived
closer to the sun
above the others
long time ago, that is
Service Learning Activity
02:00 PM on June 1, 2009 in Creative Writing
What makes a team?
Leaders and followers
in their separate worlds
orbits occasionally
colliding passively
and the rare oddball
respectfully tolerated
Right?
Look, we are not running
a twenty legged race
and you do not
have to beat up
that one guy
(you know who it is)
to get things done
for America
We were all human beings
in our past lives
and while busily employed
in upholding the inherent dignity
of underserved populations,
let's be sure to look out
for each other too