seeking refuge
04:57 AM on August 8, 2009
A terrible day that rounded itself out. I went to the doctor today and it was an unsuccessful visit to say the least. I was stressing out badly on the bus ride over, and when things didn't go right, I start snapping at my poor mom, who was a saint despite being upset herself. We went to a nice vegetarian place for lunch and I was determined to just let it go, be nice to mom, and have a decent day.
Still in a state of not-okay-yet and trying not to let my to-do list massively overwhelm me. The more I get done, the faster the list magically refills itself. Despite trying to take care of things to regain some sense of control in my life, I keep messing up in some way or pissing someone off. This medical bullshit is another case of something I should have handled better, but now it means more calls I have to make and forms to fax and maybe something will happen. I am sick of feeling angry and wound up.
I very much so want to get my shit together. I feel so much pressure to, hah, get things done, and it's not even like anyone in particular is on my ass about anything. Maybe I am too used to living under pressure? Can't I just like... be good at something, be a decent person, and relax? I really want that.
Buddhism saved me before, so I'm turning back to it now. I picked up a book on lovingkindness in New Orleans, and each word is like a drop of rain. I just need to remember that I have this all inside of me and I have brought myself out of far darker places before. So I will be okay.
I remember how those babies in the children's hospital would smile at me and fall asleep in my arms. My girls, who were so excited when I came to their rooms with schoolwork and begged me to stay. How that one girl and all her friends hugged me so tightly and happily when I helped their class plant zinnias for their garden. I did that.
comments