taking care of business
08:15 PM on July 30, 2009 in AmeriCorps NCCC
Checkbook crisis resolved, via closing my checking account and extracting myself from large mysterious banking corporations. I've spent a lot of time on the phone shuffling my student loans and taking care of loose ends that make me feel grown up and capable.
A lot of it has to do with the negative backlash I've been feeling since leaving AmeriCorps. I desperately need to feel strong and independent again. I am determined not to act like a victim, as if the program did something to me. But now that I'm home, I can see how absurd so much of my thinking was, even though it was normal while I was in AmeriCorps. By that I mean, if I'm not happy or if I see problems, I'm the one who was at fault. I'm not being "positive" or "flexible" enough. True strength is plastering a smile on your face so you don't make anyone uncomfortable. Being honest or not wording yourself perfectly is an invitation to be judged. Making snap judgments of people is a recreational sport. No matter how hard I am trying to stay afloat, someone is fed up with me and has written me off. Writing people off is okay.
If I am supposed to be positive through adversity, let's at least admit that AmeriCorps was an adversity. I did not feel encouraged or supported, just determined to prove everyone wrong and hold onto the small group of people that I did feel honest and safe with. Before AmeriCorps, I was easygoing and dealt with anger in small, manageable doses. By the end, I was angry all the time, even in the back of my mind, and at some point, I quietly snapped. I didn't want to put one more drop of effort into people that looked down on me or could care less. I absolutely would not fake anything anymore, because someone was going to get annoyed with me no matter what I did. My instinctive reaction to still feeling angry and frustrated was to blame myself, as if that would fix anything. It is my fault I am not happy enough, or resilent enough, or strong enough.
While that may work for other people, I can't walk away from myself or write myself off as useless. I am going to start by acknowledging everything that I feel, and not worry about blaming or judging or having it be right or wrong. I DO feel angry. I am incredibly shaken that my first year after college has passed and I don't know what the hell happened. I am so angry at myself for not proving myself better, for being slow and unkind. There are so many ways I could have helped and inspired people. I am trying to feel better by telling myself that I tried my best, but that is just depressing. The truth is, I did. I did try my best, and I am disappointed by my best.
I want to be able to write that I learned from this all and I am smarter and stronger now. I want to write that for myself, and for you the reader, to get some satisfaction from my journey. But I can't, yet. So you'll have to hang in there with me. I know there is good in there for me to reflect on, but I'm not there yet. I still need to rant and feel shaken some more. If I try to rush it, it'll sound fake.
I need honesty, encouragement, time to truly go at my own pace, and real friends. I desperately want a community to belong to and flourish in, and AmeriCorps wasn't it. I am tired of the word love being thrown around by well-meaning people who only love within their own circle. I can't believe I came out of this year more distrustful than I was before.
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