a new life in Seattle
02:41 AM on September 22, 2009
A long overdue update. JJ and I have moved to Seattle! We've been here almost a month and have really begun to settle down here for the year. I can't believe it's been that long already, but we have done a lot --- went to Penny Arcade Expo, apartment hunted, apartment furnished, extensive exploration, and for me, a week of orientation for my job.
I am so excited to have our own apartment and living a big girl life outside of New York. Ironic, since so many people move to New York to live out their twentysomething dreams. Seattle feels like my next evolution. It feels even more accessible than New York, probably because I don't have to deal with my parents' rules. It is such an interesting, vibrant place. We've spent the most time in the International District, which is only ten minutes away from us on the amazing light rail that opened up this summer. There is a massive Japanese supermarket called Uwajimaya, as well as a big Kinokuniya and numerous ramen shops. So I'm set.
I wasn't prepared for all the natural beauty here. The Cascade mountains line the horizon and I'm right by the Puget Sound. Seattle is surprisingly hilly, so there are amazing views everywhere.
I'm not up to writing a complicated entry yet, but for the most part, I'm happy here. My job orientation has got me crazy excited for working with these amazing, warm people for 10.5 months and I have learned so much about myself, leadership skills, and the challenges I will face this year. My first day at my elementary school is this Wednesday! I'll post again once I have a better sense of what I'll be doing there. :P
you are nothing
I have seen before
come surging in
my broken door
my bed afloat
my books at sea
my home drowned
unharbored me
you with the gall
to flood my fears
crash my knees
and demand tears
I will know you
as you know me
world washed away
finally set free
new england fauna
06:08 PM on August 9, 2009 in Creative Writing
watching my brother, the lean giant
arms out and shirt flapping
he was chasing a magpie
trying to take flight
seeking refuge
04:57 AM on August 8, 2009
A terrible day that rounded itself out. I went to the doctor today and it was an unsuccessful visit to say the least. I was stressing out badly on the bus ride over, and when things didn't go right, I start snapping at my poor mom, who was a saint despite being upset herself. We went to a nice vegetarian place for lunch and I was determined to just let it go, be nice to mom, and have a decent day.
Still in a state of not-okay-yet and trying not to let my to-do list massively overwhelm me. The more I get done, the faster the list magically refills itself. Despite trying to take care of things to regain some sense of control in my life, I keep messing up in some way or pissing someone off. This medical bullshit is another case of something I should have handled better, but now it means more calls I have to make and forms to fax and maybe something will happen. I am sick of feeling angry and wound up.
I very much so want to get my shit together. I feel so much pressure to, hah, get things done, and it's not even like anyone in particular is on my ass about anything. Maybe I am too used to living under pressure? Can't I just like... be good at something, be a decent person, and relax? I really want that.
Buddhism saved me before, so I'm turning back to it now. I picked up a book on lovingkindness in New Orleans, and each word is like a drop of rain. I just need to remember that I have this all inside of me and I have brought myself out of far darker places before. So I will be okay.
I remember how those babies in the children's hospital would smile at me and fall asleep in my arms. My girls, who were so excited when I came to their rooms with schoolwork and begged me to stay. How that one girl and all her friends hugged me so tightly and happily when I helped their class plant zinnias for their garden. I did that.
:D :D :D
04:40 AM on August 2, 2009
I'm gonna see him in 16 hours!!!!!!!!! About time! :D
taking care of business
08:15 PM on July 30, 2009 in AmeriCorps NCCC
Checkbook crisis resolved, via closing my checking account and extracting myself from large mysterious banking corporations. I've spent a lot of time on the phone shuffling my student loans and taking care of loose ends that make me feel grown up and capable.
A lot of it has to do with the negative backlash I've been feeling since leaving AmeriCorps. I desperately need to feel strong and independent again. I am determined not to act like a victim, as if the program did something to me. But now that I'm home, I can see how absurd so much of my thinking was, even though it was normal while I was in AmeriCorps. By that I mean, if I'm not happy or if I see problems, I'm the one who was at fault. I'm not being "positive" or "flexible" enough. True strength is plastering a smile on your face so you don't make anyone uncomfortable. Being honest or not wording yourself perfectly is an invitation to be judged. Making snap judgments of people is a recreational sport. No matter how hard I am trying to stay afloat, someone is fed up with me and has written me off. Writing people off is okay.
If I am supposed to be positive through adversity, let's at least admit that AmeriCorps was an adversity. I did not feel encouraged or supported, just determined to prove everyone wrong and hold onto the small group of people that I did feel honest and safe with. Before AmeriCorps, I was easygoing and dealt with anger in small, manageable doses. By the end, I was angry all the time, even in the back of my mind, and at some point, I quietly snapped. I didn't want to put one more drop of effort into people that looked down on me or could care less. I absolutely would not fake anything anymore, because someone was going to get annoyed with me no matter what I did. My instinctive reaction to still feeling angry and frustrated was to blame myself, as if that would fix anything. It is my fault I am not happy enough, or resilent enough, or strong enough.
While that may work for other people, I can't walk away from myself or write myself off as useless. I am going to start by acknowledging everything that I feel, and not worry about blaming or judging or having it be right or wrong. I DO feel angry. I am incredibly shaken that my first year after college has passed and I don't know what the hell happened. I am so angry at myself for not proving myself better, for being slow and unkind. There are so many ways I could have helped and inspired people. I am trying to feel better by telling myself that I tried my best, but that is just depressing. The truth is, I did. I did try my best, and I am disappointed by my best.
I want to be able to write that I learned from this all and I am smarter and stronger now. I want to write that for myself, and for you the reader, to get some satisfaction from my journey. But I can't, yet. So you'll have to hang in there with me. I know there is good in there for me to reflect on, but I'm not there yet. I still need to rant and feel shaken some more. If I try to rush it, it'll sound fake.
I need honesty, encouragement, time to truly go at my own pace, and real friends. I desperately want a community to belong to and flourish in, and AmeriCorps wasn't it. I am tired of the word love being thrown around by well-meaning people who only love within their own circle. I can't believe I came out of this year more distrustful than I was before.
epic fail
12:55 AM on July 29, 2009
So out of the disgusting mass of Stuff I managed to haul home, there were only two things missing: my checkbook, and my list of passwords.
FML.
I've spent most of this day digging through my stuffed suitcases and resigning myself to calling the bank and changing all my online passwords. Lesson: Less stuff, and less stupidity.
So I kinda love the Indigo Girls. This song sums up my feelings about last round perfectly. I wish I could write lyrics as well as they do.
Gotta get out of bed
Get a hammer and a nail
Learn how to use my hands
Not just my head
I think myself in a jail
Now I know a refuge never grows
From a chin in a hand
And a thoughtful pose
Gotta tend the earth
If you want a rose
My life is part of the global life
I'd found myself becoming more immobile
When I'd think a little girl in the world
Can't do anything
A distant nation my community
And a street person my responsibility
If I have a care in the world
I have a gift to bring